Only for use by HWMN
Sure is CONVENIENT that old Bombadeer J. Ruffington happened to get sick right on the wordiest, most convoluted chapter of the whole damn year. How very LUCKY he is. I'll bet he just injected himself with influenza just to get out of this. I'll bet that's what he did. It's what I would've done if I'd realized how fucking long and complicated this is. Oh my fucking god...
Here, go read it.
[Gintama 435 Translation by Kewl0210]
Top Left Insert: ☆The Anime "Ginama" airs on TV Tokyo and affiliates on Thursday evenings starting at 6!!
☆"Gintama" volume 48 is now on sale with great fanfare!!
Top RIght Insert: ☆Two men with a fated connection!!
Author: Sorachi Hideaki
Title: Lesson 435 All Answers are in the Field
Matsudaira: Yes. I'm glad everyone was able to take time from their busy schedules to attend.
As you can see, everyone gathered here today
Sign: Special Lecture
Matsu: Are the top brass that have the heavy responsibility of managing
the police organizations that protect the public order of Edo.
And why did I call you here today...?
to all of you, I don't think I need to explain it at this point,
but in our line of work, work done out in the field is the most important.
But ironically, for an organization, the most capable people are always far away from the scenes of the crimes.
It is because you gained success from resolving incidents in the field
that you're away from those scenes in order to control people from the management side.
Matsu: Because of that, you famed investigators have forgotten the taste of the sweat you once perspired out in the field.
And in exchange, you've been learning the sweet honeydew flavor of authority.
The end result of that is you only think of your own self-preservation.
You end up as a useless superior officer that won't even wipe his subordinates' asses.
But I didn't promote you guys so you could rot.
I did it so you could convey the knowledge and intuition you've cultivated in the field to those below you
because that's also something an organization needs.
So basically, what this old man is trying to say
is that no matter how high you stand,
that you shouldn't forget the place you started, the "field".
Hiji: ...Just what you'd expect. While us underlings are out running around in the field
superiors that spend tax-payer money on going to cabaret clubs sure don't talk like they do.
Kondou: Don't say that, Toshi.
Putting their actions aside, what he's saying is absolutely true.
Hiji: We still crawl around the field every day. We don't need to listen to a lecture.
These guys are just idiot's that've confused sleeping at your desk with doing stuff like desk work.
SFX: GUUU GAAA
And just who the hell among these guys is a famous police investigator?
Every last onna these guys can't do shit in the field.
They're all just useless rich snobs that settled into high ranking positions through family connections.
Kon: Hey, Toshi! Keep your voice down!
Hiji: I don't care. I want them to hear me.
I mean, come on.
if dimwits like end up as his subordinates,
then I feel bad for the future Director-General of the National Police Agency.
You're a rich snob from a noted family, too, right?
Mimawarigumi Chief Sasaki-dono.
Sasaki: ...No need to worry, Shinsengumi Vice Chief Hijikata-dono.
When I achieve the post of Director General, all but the chosen elite will be cast away.
I intend for it to be an elite reformation done by the elite for the elite.
I think for my first order of business I'll be firing any slovenly fools that sleep during important lectures
and stupid brats that spread secondhand smoke around, not realizing where they are.
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean you.
This is just a useless rich snob talking. You're just useless paupers, after all.
SFX: MUGA MOGO
Hiji: What elite reformation?!! Even your pseudo-elite are taking naps!!
Nobu: That wasn't a nap. ...I was just sneaking my lunch early.
Hiji: Neither one's a good thing!!
Sasaki: Just what I'd expect from you, Nobume-san. Replenishing your energy for the lecture, huh? The elite truly are differ...
Okita: Sorry, but I wasn't sleeping either.
I was just pretending that I was sleeping so nobody would find out that none of my recess friends were around.
Hiji: What's with that triumphant face?! Why's this turned into a contest of stuff that happens a lot in schools?!
Hiji: And anyhow, I don't wanna be told that by a guy who fools around with his cell phone non-stop during a lecture!!
Sasaki: I do hope you don't misunderstand. I'm simply taking notes on the lecture.
Hiji: Yeah? Well I'm just smoking a cigarette to keep my head clear during the lecture!
Sasaki: Oh, in that case, I'd love if you could answer this for me. What was the important part of the Too-Beautiful Makidai that I missed because of you?
Hiji: I knew it! You're just playing cell phone games, aren't you?!!
Dai: Pipe down, you guys! Stand out in the hallway within three seconds or I'll dramatically blow your brains out.
Guys: What happened to 2 and 3!?!
SFX: DOON DOON DON
Matsu: Uuuuuuuh, so on that note,
I found some good guinea pigs. So let's have a practical demonstration.
As a top police investigator, in order to get you to remember what it's like to be in the field,
I'm going to have these guinea pigs experience a certain filed and investigate it.
Though realize this is only a simulation.
I hope you'll all imagine you're in the field with them.
Matsu: Hey, if you were ignoring my lecture so you could argue, you must have quite a bit of confidence, right?
You guys are police officers, so fight your dispute with investigations.
Hiji: Fine, then. I don't care if it's a simulation or whatever, but we'll show you how we're different from these hollow elites.
Sasaki: Oh, this is troubling. I'd rather not be compared to people that don't even know how simulations work. Right, Nobume-san?
Nobume: If you defeat Cao Cao early on, then it'll desolve all the tension and then no one will care about uniting China.
Okita: Then we'll leave Cao Cao as the last boss. The first one to beat Wei wins.
Sign: Records of the Three Kingdoms (A reference to a book chronicling the Three Kingdoms period of ancient China)
Kondou: Well, I guess that is a simulation, but...
Matsu: Basically what gonna happen is we're going to use this machine to project a virtual image to recreate a fictional incident.
Based on the situation in that field, you have to analyze the incident and identify the culprit.
Kondou: Virtual, Tottsan?
So everything that exists in the field could be evidence.
Can you really reproduce something all the way down to that level of detai......
Kondou: Wh-What is this? It's incredible!!
It's like we've come to a real riverbank!!
Matsu: Don't make light of virtual reality. This is the National Police Agency. We've got the newest simulation machinery and tools here.
And what's more, we have every last incident from the past stored in here as data.
We use that enormous amount of data as a basis to create new cases that are indiscernible from new ones.
Here's the gist of what's going on in this incident.
A corpse was discovered on this riverbank.
The first person to discover the corpse was an old woman that lives nearby.
She testified that this floated from upstream to the place where she had come to do her laundry.
Someone: What kind of incident is thiiiiiis?!!
Heeeey, just what the hell kind of data does the National Police Agency have?!
This has clearly got a Japanese legend mixed up in it!!
T/N: This is a reference to the legend of Momotarou. You guys know this story, right? He came to earth as a baby in a giant peach that was floating down a river and was found by an old woman washing clothes. He was raised by her and her husband. He goes on an adventure with a monkey, a pheasant, and a dog to fight demons. They win and get a treasure.
Someone: Apparently there was a similar incident in the past.
Kondou: Like hell there was!! C'mon, this is Momotarou, ain't it?!!
Somebody practically cut Momotarou in two right at the beginning of the story! I don't remember any legend like that!!
Hiji: We're still not certain if this is actually Momotarou.
Kondou: Uh, no matter how you look at him, this is pretty clearly Momotaro. He was even inside a peach!
Hiji: At the scene of a crime, bringing in unneeded preconceptions can lead to a fatal mistake.
Kondou: But he said an old lady was doing laundry!
Tottsan, did this peach spit apart after the old lady discovered it?
Matsu: In this situation, the testimony is that the old woman pulled it up as it was when it flowed down the river.
So we're supposed to investigate an incident that started out like this?
Hiji: It's odd. You'd think that if Momotarou's body floated down the river like this, then it would be damp.
Kondou: Wait, you just said Momotarou, didn't you?! You just admitted that he's Momotarou!
Hiji: And also, is it even possible for one old woman to drag a big peach with an adult male inside it all the way here on her own?
There's clearly something unnatural about this.
Kondou: Uh, I think we got to unnatural right at the part about an adult inside a giant peach!!
Hiji: Most likely, the old woman wasn't the only first discoverer. And I doubt that the peach was already split when it was found.
Tottsan, what's the old woman's husband's alibi?
Matsu: He was gathering firewood in the mountains.
Kondou: That's an alibi?! Can you have an alibi that sounds that scary?!
Hiji: Tottsan, please do a DNA test on the old man's sickle he used to gather firewood and Momotarou's blood.
Kondou: What sorta terrifying thing are you imagining?!!
Hiji: The cut that split this peach and Momotarou's fatal wound match. So it was likely done by the same blade.
In other words, Momotarou was killed at the same time the peach was split.
Which means that the one that killed Momotarou was also the one that split the peach.
Which is the old man and the old woman.
Kondou: Hey, what kinda folklore is thiiiis?!
Hiji: I don't think this was done maliciously. It was likely an accident done without knowing a human was inside the peach.
For that reason, the two constructed the alibis of doing laundry and gathering firewood...
Sasaki: That is incorrect.
Sasaki: It seems that you are the ones bound by the curse called Momotarou.
Because of that, you overlooked an important piece of evidence.
With just the three events of "Man in a peach", "Old woman doing laundry", and "Old man gathering firewood",
you have assumed that this event occurred at the beginning of the story of Momotarou. But that is incorrect. ["Momotarou" in white.]
Why is it... that the just-born Momotarou that came out of the peach was that big?!!
Kondou: Uh, just now you're interjecting with that?! You ignored the fact that he was born out of a peach and you have a problem with that part?!
Kondou: Why are you so shocked?!! Everyone's noticed that!!
Sasaki: This Momotarou is a full-grown adult. He has already been adopted and raised by another old couple.
Because there is not a single millet dumpling on this bloodied body, we can determine that he has already exterminated the onis.
T/N: In the story, Momotarou gave each of the three animals a millet dumpling for helping him fight onis.
Kondou: So wait a minute, you're totally stuck on the idea that this is Momotarou, too!
Sasaki: Yes. This is not an incident that occurred in the outset of Momotarou's adventure,
it is one that occurred after it was all over.
Kondou: Then why is he inside a peach again...?
Sasaki: This cut was indeed made by the old man and the old woman.
But please look closely. You cannot see much of a trace of blood loss.
That is proof that he was already dead when he suffered this wound.
In other words, someone murdered him and then tried to make it look as if it were the beginning of the Momotarou story by placing him once again inside a peach and sending him down the river.
All done in order to pin the blame for this crime on that old couple.
Kon: How complicated is this gonna get?! Okay, fine. Now the culprit could be pretty much anybody.
Hiji: It was all a constructed diversionary tactic done to cause us to mistake the order of events and derail the investigation.
The true culprit is a considerably crafty person.
Sasaki: But thanks to that, we're able to narrow down the possible suspects.
If we consider how Momotarou was left after the extermination of the onis was over, the true culprit must be...
Sasaki: The dog, monkey, and pheasant that were traveling with him.
I find it hard to consider it was anyone but one of them.
Kondou: What the fuck do you mean narrowed down the possible suspects?! Those are the only other characters in the story!!
Sasaki: We heard that the Momotarou crew was bringing home the treasure from Onigashima,
but they were not fighting for peace. He had always just been a brute and a monster that was born from a peach.
When he found the treasure, it's not hard to imagine that he tried to take it all for himself and a fight broke out.
Kon: Just how much do you need to disgrace Momotarou before you're satisfied?!!
Sasaki: The one among them that could make this crafty a trap is only the mon... ["mon" in white.]
Okita: It wasn't the monkey.
It's true that among the Momotarou crew, the monkey is the most clever and sly,
but you have been bound by the curse known as Momotarou and have overlooked something critical.
can't use money.
Kondou: He just said something completely ordinary with a triumphant look on his faaaace!! The logic here is just getting dumber and dumber!!
And what's with that shocked face?!!
You guys are doing nothing but stating obvious facts back and forth now!!
Okita: That's how it is. Which means our culprit must be either the dog or the pheasant.
Kon: But dogs and pheasants can't use money either!
Nobume: That's incorrect.
The culprit isn't one of them, either.
You all have been bound by Momotarou and can no longer see almost anything.
Okita: What?! How can you say with such certainty that the culprit is not among them?
Nobume: Because it's too much of a pain in the ass.
Kon: So it just ended because it's too much of a hassle?!
Then what was all that vigorous pontificating up till now?! And now you're shocked by that and making those faces, too?!!
Hiji: Well, whoever the culprit may be, beasts can't do police interviews anyhow.
We have no choice but to find the culprit by some other means.
Tottsan, I'd like to see the results of Momotarou's autopsy.
If that cut was really made post-mortem,
then the real fatal would should still be somewhere.
Depending on the shape of the wound, that may lead us to whether it was the dog, the monkey, or the pheasant.
Someone: Toshi, unfortunately there are no external wounds that sound out besides this cut.
However, someone odd was shown to be in his trachea in the X-ray.
Kondou: ...Wait, something dumpling-shaped?
He clearly just got a millet dumpling stuck in his throat and choked to death on it, didn't heeee?!!
He put us through all this and in the end he just died from being a glutton?!
Sasaki: This is why I dislike ordinary people...
If you consider that it was a diversionary tactic, it becomes clear that someone else was involved in his death.
This is not a millet dumpling. It is the feces of the monkey that ate a millet dumpling.
Monkeys fling their poop, do they not? As I suspected, the monkey is the culprit. I was correct. The elite was correct. Hooray for the elite.
Kon: Uh, that is not an elite kind of idea!!
Hiji: Are you an idiot? If you think rationally, the the ones who would feed Momotarou the millet dumplings are the old man and the old woman.
They were dazzled by the treasure Momotarou brought back and choked him to death with millet dumplings.
As i thought, the culprit was the old man and the old woman. I was right. Hooray for mayonnaise.
Kon: That's a different old man and old woman from the ones you were talking about earlier!! You were trying to just casually switch the old couples, weren't you?!
Sasaki: It was the monkey.
Hiji: It was the old man and the old woman!
Sasaki: It was the monkey.
Hiji: It was the old man and the old woman!
Sasaki: It was the monkey old man and old woman.
Hiji: It was the old man and the old woman monkey!
Sasaki: That time, you said it was a monkey.
Okita: Okay, I get it. So if we take the middle between the two, then it was a cross dressing monkey.
Kon: How is that taking the middle? What happened to the old man and old woman?!
Nobume: Then let's say it was the Monkey and Asuka.
Kon: Uh, what happened to Chage?!
T/N: This is that joke from a while back about that band...
Sasaki: Now that it's come to this, how about we make this perfectly black and white?
Director General, I don't mind if they're beasts. Please allow me to have an audience with the Momotarou crew.
Matsu: Ah, those guys are here.
Kon: Wait, then all of the suspects have been eateeeen?!!
Just how damn hungry was this guy?! I don't think this was caused by choking on a dumpling!!
Sasaki: Please hold on a moment. Could it be... that Momotarou is in fact not the victim, but the assailant?!
Sasaki: It... It could be.
Yes. Perhaps that's it.
What the Momotarou crew were trying to take from one another was not the treasure.
And the one that put him inside the peach
was not a diversionary tactic done by the culprit.
On their way back from Onigashima... they met with an accident.
And they were unable to get out of that peach no matter how they tried.
That is why his body is discolored and so worn out.
No, fare better proof
is the tragic form his former comrades now take.
It was not treasure, but each other's millet dumplings
and each other's bodies that they were trying to use as nourishment.
And this man that ate his former comrades in order to survive,
as if he were taking it as a reward,
with his final mouthful... lodged his comrade's millet dumpling in his throat.
And so his life ended here inside this peach.
Sasaki: It's no wonder we could not easily find a culprit.
Because the one who killed him... was no one but himself.
Kon: .....Th... That can't be.
Is that even possible? Can someone meet with such a tragic end?
I... I never knew Momotarou bore such a heavy cross.
Underneath such a convoluted death
he was bearing such an awful sadness...
Toshi... it's not true, is it?
You've... got to have some other bullshit reasoning for this, right?!! I don't care what it is, just tell me!!
This is what we call the field.
At the scene of a crime, no matter how harsh a truth it is or how hard it is to accept,
we find it as it is.
But because of that, we cannot avert our eyes
from the truth, from the field.
Because no matter what darkness we find ourselves in,
we police officers have a duty to find the truth!!!
Kondou: To... Toshi!!
Hiji: Look at this.
This is no millet dumpling.
It's a sack.
Probably one that had millet dumplings in it.
Sack: Do not steal/eat
Hiji: This is why no dumpling-like objects were found in his stomach.
If he was fighting over them with his comrades, then why wouldn't be any shadows of that shape shown visible here?
If he was so hungry that he resorted to eating this sack, then... why didn't he eat the dumplings while they were still inside it?
And what's more, just as this bag reads, he was in control of them.
He probably didn't eat a single one himself.
He gave them all to his comrades and he probably just chewed on his own sandals or something.
But his comrades collapsed one after another
He was the kind of man that would even eat something like this, and so he lasted until the end.
But after that, he was just like that guy.
He chose that path in order to live.
...You can't eat a sack like this
without quite a bit of resolve.
He must have really wanted to live.
For the sake of those that died as well.
Sasaki: Hijikata-san, is that optimistic delusion
what you actually see as the truth?
Hiji: It is.
No matter what anyone says, this is
what I saw in this field,
and what I believe.
Matsu: Sorry, incorrect.
Too~~~bad. You were getting pretty close, though.
You're right that Momotarou was killed.
But this isn't Momotarou.
He's the boss of Onigashima that ate the Momotarou crew whole.
SFX: SAH NOKIH
Matsu: He turned into Momotarou and came to Tokyo in order to eat humans,
but he was unable to fulfill that goal. By which I mean that the true culprit was...
a brain tumor.