Only for use by HWMN
Today on this, there's more of that. Nobody is left out.
Where's the female Sasaki?
[Gintama 439 Translation by Kewl0210]
People: What? These people...
Could it be...
dogs of the government
snuck their way into this city?
Box: Shinsengumi [Female Symbol]
Insert: ☆This manga is Gintama!!
Author: Sorachi Hideaki
Title: Lesson 439
When You Forget About Calories is When They Come Back
Gin: Huh? Pachie, is that thing a dog? It totally looked like a pig to me.
Shin: No. It's not a pig or a dog. It's a demon. It's the Demon Vice Chief, Hijikata Toushirou-san.
Gin: Huh? That's a demon? He looked like a TOKYO X I'd seen before. But I don't think that was called Toushirou, it was called Tokyo-X-Shirou-san. ["TOKYO X" white.]
Asterisk: *TOKYO X...A Tokyo breed of pig meat that even Sorachi-sensei loves.
Hiji: Who're you callin X-shirou?!!
Okita: Hey, hey, calm down okay? Tenshirou-san.
Hiji: Who the hell is Tenshirou?! And why did you pronounce that part like a roman numeral?!
Okita: Give him a break, would you, Boss? As soon as Tenshirou-san became a woman
all of the calories he'd accumulated from eating mayonnaise came bursting out and he ended up like this.
Hiji: Turning into women like this is a big crisis on its own, but why am I the only one like this...?
Kondou: Don't worry, Tenko. We're all in the same situation.
Box: Kondou Isao [Female Symbol]
Kondou: All of the Gorillas I've accumulated came bursting out. So despite how I look, you really don't wanna see my ass hair.
Hiji: The hell do you mean "accumulated gorillas"?! And what the hell are you saying while looking like that?!
Okita: That reminds me, Tenko.
All girls put in effort where you can't see it. So if you're going on a diet, we'll stick it out with you.
Okay, everyone, today we're having yakiniku!
Hiji: Your accumulated sadism is all bursting ouuuut!!
Girls: Oh nooo! I haven't eaten yakiniku in so long I feel like I might eat too much!
But we do need to make sure we don't get bad breath.
Handwritten: KYAH KYAH
Shin: heeeeey! What are you doing, you band of transvestites?!! Is this really the time for that?!!
People: If you intend to hinder us,
then we will remove you along with the heretics.
SFX: GACHA GACHA
Sorry, but if you ask us, you're the ones who are heretics.
We can no longer allow you
to travel this town doing as you please!!
SFX: SHAN SHAN SHAN
Kon: No need to worry, Dekobokkoists!
Wel, the Mansengumi, shall imprison these heretics that have insulted the God Dekobokko by being non-manly or non-womanly.
Shin: It can't be. You guys are...?
Okita: I hope there's no hard feelings, but we came to protect this town from heretics like you.
The Bakufu's already moved to make Dekobokkoism the national religion.
Shin: Th-That can't be!!
Okita: So we were sent to crack down on heretics like you that infringe on the national religion.
Kon: You truly are a sad bunch to not be able to understand such a magnificent doctrine.
Until our objective is achieved, we, the Mansengumi, shall be arresting heretics.
Would you allow us to take things from here?
People: Is that so?
Very well, comrades.
The God Dekobokko is surely watching that spirit of yours from the heavens.
Let us both exhaust all effort to return the balance to this planet's upset genders.
SFX: ZAH ZAH ZAH
Yama: Hacking complete.
Now we should be okay with all of the surveillance cameras around here.
Gin: Hey, who's this guy?
Kon: As you can see, all of this city's surveillance cameras are being hijacked by those guys.
So if you start acting oddly like you just were before, they'll come after you instantaneously.
If we got into a big fight there, the situation in Kabuki-Chou would repeat all across the Earth.
Gin: Okay, so what's your point?
Kon: My point is that if you start pulling stupid shit like that anymore, we're not gonna be able to cover for you.
Gin: Let me just say this now, if it does come to that, it's you idiots that are gonna end up as outdoor defecation...
Kon: It's not outdoor defication. It's Freedom Fly-Away P...
Gin: It's outdoor defecation.
Jyuu: ...Were you all perhaps already following those Dekobokkoists?
Hiji: ..........We had gotten intel that a widely-wanted religious group was planning to contact this planet.
It's fortunate that we were at least able to find out that their stronghold is in this city.
but we never would've guessed that they would already be using God.
That's why we're in this wretched state.
Hiji: Orbiting out around the earth is a man-made satellite...
That is true form of the "god" they worship.
For the sake of their Dekobokkoist doctrine, they created a special drug to manipulate humans' hormone balances.
Essentially, they've been working on researching a drug that makes men more masculine and woman more feminine.
However, in the course of that research, they created something no one thought possible.
That is the virus that we are currently infected with...
Jyuu: A virus to make people into pigs...?!
Hiji: No, not that!!
It wasn't until after that drug was developed that they started more radical religious activities that could be considered similar to terrorism.
That's right. That light was no judgement from god, it was a discharge from an attack satellite that reversed everyone's ex hormones.
None of it had anything to do with a god's will,
it was all nothing but actions carried out by unclean humans.
Jyuu: Virus...? So then if we don't do something, eventually even Tae-chan will...
became Shimura X?!
Somebody: Who the hell remembers that maniacal tv show?!
T/N: Shimura-X is a variety show that ran in the 90's.
Hiji: The Bakufu is quarantining this place and all,
But the virus itself doesn't last long in the air. Also, it's basically not contagious at all.
Jyuu: That's a relief. I really didn't want to see Tae-chan in the form of a weird old man...
Tae: Thank you for your concern, Jyuubee-san.
Hiji: The issue is how to stop that satellite
and to try to get a vaccine to return our bodies to normal.
It's unlikely we can do anything about the satellite.
It has a system setup so that if anything out of the ordinary goes on, it will automatically fire the virus all across the Earth. So we really have no means to stop it.
In other words, in order to return the situation to normal, we have no choice but to defeat the group directly.
And the only ones that can do that are us, with these bodies.
We slip through their surveillance and search for their stronghold.
Before the switch of destruction is flipped, we need to arrest the whole lot of them... If we can pull that off, that is.
Shin: Is that really poss...
Kagura: It can be done.
No matter how formidable Wei may be, if we ally ourselves with Wu and Shu, we'll ward off their invasion without fail.
It'll be the battle of the Red Cliffs!! Together we'll be able to defeat Cao Cao, will we not?!
Shin: Uh, I don't know what you're fighting with exactly. And wait, weren't you on Cao Cao's side before?
Gin: Well, I guess it is to get our bodies back. Looks like we'll even want to join hands with a pig for this.
Hiji: What do you mean" join hands with this pig"?!
Okita: Aw well. If it looks like it's useless, we can just leave it behind. Don't trip us up with your pigs feet!
Hiji: Can you people not talk without bringing up the word "pig", you sadists?!!
Kon: Okay, then starting now, we have an alliance!
To celebrate our partnership, prepare a roast pig!!
An oath in the pig garden!!
Shin: So it just turned into this agaaaaain?!
T/N: This is another event in the Romance of the Three Kingdoms, the Oath of the Peach Garden, as a symbol of fraternal loyalty.
Hiji: First, we have to do something about the surveillance they have setup all around there.
If we act now, they'll notice us.
We've got to set these on every last one of the surveillance cameras.
They'll hack the camera's system, causing them to automatically show a loop of a video they recorded previously.
Understand? If they catch onto us, everything is kaput.
So be as natural as possible and do all you can to not break Dekobokkoist doctrine.
Hiji: Hey, hey, Souko, Ginko,
how about we go to the cafe to get some Mayo-don or somethi- [Last word in creepy font]
Gin: There are no girls like that.
Hiji: H... Hey, what're you doing, Gingo?!! Wasn't that tsukkomi a little too rough? We're girls, ain't we?
Gin: So~~~rry. But Tenko, I told you I was on a diet. And then you started talking about Mayo-don and all that~~
Hiji: Oh... I get it. Girls do really diet all year long, don't they?
Gin: Yeah. If you let your guard down, you'll start packing in the calories, you know? You're already...
C'mon everyone, let's eat some Ujigintoki-don togeth... [Last word shaky]
T/N: This is a joke on Ujikintoki. Which is a shaved ice flavored with powdered Uji green tea and topped with red beans. And I think it was used earlier on in this series at some point.
Hiji: There are no girls like that.
Gin: What're you doing, Tenko? Don't you know that all girls love sweets?
Hiji: That's not a sweet! That's a sweets monster! A calorie monster!
Gin: You're the calorie monster. As you can see by my nice body, I don't need any diet.
Hiji: Huh? You think you look hot? Don't make me laugh.
Hiji: A nice body is a plump, glamorous body, Ginko.
Gin: Yours is a grotesque body, Tenko.
Hiji: Don't get too cocky just because you're thin. I'll just let you know now, once I slim down I'll be way cuter than you.
Gin: What're you on about? I, Ginko, will always and forever be cuter. Plus my tits are bigger. I'll be doing all of the really kinky stuff.
Hiji: If I were a man, I would never ever go out with a bitch like you. I'd definitely go with Tenko.
Gin: Fine then, bastard! Then why don't we have a contest to see which is more popular with the guys?!
Hiji: We'll settle this with a reverse-things match!
Yama: Heeey! What're you guys doiiing?!!
Yama: Did you forget what we came here to do or something?!
Souko-san!! Say something to them!
Box: Yamazaki Sagaru [Female]
Those guys don't know a thing about what being a woman is. At a time like this a woman would say...
Ah, miste~~r! I don't play with PL's, penniless lose~~~rs! [Heart]
Shin: After becoming a woman, he's only degraded into being a total bitch!!
Oki: Hey, hey! You've got lots of cash, right mister?
but I'm a penniless loser, too.
Gin: What sort of PL is that?!
T/N: In Japanese it's JK. And the reference is to Joushi kousei (High school girl). If you could find a way to translate that joke, I'd give you a cookie.
Tae: I wonder if Ginko-san and the others are taking this seriously.
Jyuu: The Shinsengumi is with them. I'm sure they'll be okay.
Tae: I'm really worried about the Shinsengumi, though.
But I can't believe I need to act girly in order to pretend to uphold their doctrine.
Although it may sound imprudent, this might be a good learning experience. I don't really think about that sort of thing very much normally.
Jyuu: Y... You're
fine as you are, Tae-chan.
Jyuu: You're... plenty feminine as you are already.
So there's no need to change... I wouldn't want you to change.
Oh... I don't like this.
I feel so disconcerted.
...I know you're Kyuu-chan, but...
Somehow... I feel like I'm speaking with a different person, a man.
I... I-I'm sorry.
Ah...!! There's a surveillance camera over there... I'll go get it.
Jyuu: Tae-chan, you don't need to do any...
SFX: ZAH ZAH
Jyuu: Tae-chan, wait!!
Jyuu: Are they gone?
Jyuu: Wah!! I'm sorry!!
Tae: N... No... I'm... the one that should be...
S- S- S- S- Sorry, I... Ah... I just panicked and confused for a second.
Ah, look, there's another surveillance camera!!
SFX: UIIIN UIIIN GASHA GASHA
This way...... is fine.
Th... Th... That way...
We can pretend to be lo..... Lo...
Lovers... and that way...
w... we won't draw any suspicion!!
-----What in the world
am I saying?
What am I doing?
Even though I'm the one that triggered this event into occurring,
and I'm the one with the responsibility
to get this situation back to normal...
Jyuu: Why is it, in this state of affairs,
I'm feeling a little bit of joy from being a man?
I know... That's not how things should be...
But still, I can't pretend to keep looking away.
Because... as a man
I can go out with Tae-chan openly!!
Someone: That may be a good idea.
Shin: buuut, if siblings pretend to be lovers
then there won't be any weird rumors floating around. Right, Kondou-san?
Kondou: Oh my~~~ I really wouldn't mind rumors going around between me and a handsome man like this.
Please be kind to me, darling.
Someone: Hey, hey, dude. Would you like to get some tea with m...
Tose: I'm no dude. I'm an old lady.
Guy: Hey, dude over there, wanna get tea with-
Cath: Sheddep, fatso!
If I think about it, I realize I forgot that all the men in this town are actually women.
If I think about it, I realize I'm fat.
Ginko: Aw, shit! I'll show you that Ginko is way more popular than somebody like you!
Hiji: Shut it! Some bitch like you will end up dumped. In the end, people will come seeking Tenko's kindness!!
Guys: Hey, dude! Would you like to go get some tea with me?!
SFX: GAH GAH
Guys: Geez. I'm so disgusted with the men in this city.
We're in this crazy situation, and you're not coming up with any plan, you're just going around flirting.
When I became a man, I understood it for the first time
Somebody: A surveillance camera?!
Guys: just how pathetic and useless the men of this world are.
Guys: Get lost, male pigs.
Insert: ☆Woah, so cool...
Box: Sarutobi Ayao [Male]
Bottom: Gintama ...Lesson 439