Suicide Island 25

*Only for use by I-M.

tl by molokidan

85)
Chapter 25 - Question & Answer
1: You...thought I'd come here?

86)
1: It bothered me ever since then.
2: What you said before you left...
3: Why do you live?
4: I couldn't get it out of my head.
5(2b): I...felt embarrassed at myself for being too afraid to die.

87)
1(3b): I am an object of desire. And I have my own desires. I hurt, and I get hurt.
2(2b): I lie, I defile. I do things I dislike, that other people dislike.
3: I'm a pile of ugliness...and it embarrasses me.
4: If I walk off here, it'll end.
5(2b): But I can't...and I can't find an answer...
6: So I waited.
7: Well that's a problem...

88)
1: This may disappoint you...
2: But I had no time to think about any of that.
3: So--I have no answer...sorry.
4: Water...
5: Water?
6: Ah...water and food...
7: And...fire...firewood for night.
8(2b): Night in the forest is really scary. While chasing the deer, I had to gather wood.

89)
1(2b): It was hard to gather water. I would gather it from morning dew and take it from tree ferns, walking around for hours at a time.
2(2b): Oh, yeah. Along the way I ran out of food---and had to eat grasshoppers.
3: I was absorbed. I continued sleeping out in the mountains,
4: just chasing the deer.
5: And then I finally met them.
6: I hardened my decision to kill and eat, and then waited to ambush them.

90)
1: They really were beautiful.
2: They were like embodiments
3: of life and nature.
4: I won't say I didn't hesitate at all, but I shot the deer--...
5: then cut off its head, sliced opened its belly...and ate.
6: Until then, it was like I was in a trance...and
7: suddenly I saw the deer down beside me.
8: I buried its head and guts in the ground.

91)
1: I will never forget that night...
2: for the rest of my life.
3: I wanted to explain these feelings
4: to you.
5: to...me?

92)
1: I...no, we
2: stand upon countless lives.
3: I feel clearly now how we are receiving life from these deer, these trees...
4: ...this island.
5: From that day forward, my nights in the forest weren't scary anymore.
6(2b): I slept soundly, as if I was being enveloped.

93)
1: That meat
2: was something we received. From the forest...from this island...
3: That's why I'm living today as well.
4: Sorry...
5: This must sound...really pretentious.
6(2b): The meat yesterday-- was really delicious...
7: And a bit...sad.

94)
1: But
2: That's why I'm living today, too.
3: Yeah.
4: Thank you.
5: I-
6: I...
7: I've been looking at such a far away place...until now.
8: Over there...
9: Far away?

95)
1: A high, out of reach place...something so bright I could never lay a finger on it...beyond my monitor.
2: that's all I've ever looked at.
3: And gradually I came to feel that I was also in there
4: that I also had something.
5: Whenever I turned the switch on, I could see it.
6: I thought I understood it all.
7: But
8: I was wrong.
9: In truth, there was no way I could ever actually go to that place.
10: I had nothing,
11: I understood nothing.
12: That's all I was.

96)
1: The world over there -- the world I was used to --
2: was despairingly far from where I stood.
3: I had no power to fill that gap...but--
4: I couldn't get away from it.
5: I would never stop trying to go there.
6: I avoided conduct that would make me recognize myself as much as I could.
7: I couldn't meet with people. Communication would make me recognize who I was.
8: If I realistically recognized myself, then it would become harder to go over there.
9: Reality and concrete things only got in the way.
10: And--...

97)
1: I gradually
2: lost my self-recognition...
3: and my existence.
4: No...
5: I may have purposefully tried to lose myself.

98)
1: And that's
2: what changed about you...?
3: I dunno...but
4: I simply have to look at where I'm standing and what's in front of me here. I have no way to look far away.
5: If I don't do something now, I won't live on to tomorrow.
6(3b): Thirst and hunger. Heat and cold, pain and fear--
7: teach me that every day.

99)
1: So I'm just looking at what's in front of me...looking at where I stand.
2: And doing what I have to right now.
3(2b): Sorry...that didn't really answer your question...did it?
4: I'm sorry I betrayed your expectations...
5: No.
6: ...I'm kind of
7: jealous.

100)
1: Jeal...ous...?
2: Oh no...I thought.
3: Her darkness
4: and my darkness are different.
5: My answer
6: won't fit
7: her question.
8: And it's not just her.
9: Everyone has their own darkness.
10: Are their answers
11: all different too, then?

101)
1: But I
2: wanted to tell her
3: about that night.
4: You're making a raft?
5: Yeah...way bigger than the one we used to fish before.
6: Wow.
7: You might really be able to throw out a big net then.

102)
1: Mmm...I don't think we'll use it for fishing...
2: Eh?
3: Ryou and them are really obsessed with this now. That's also a problem...
4: A problem?
5: Look, they're already at the beach working.
6: Huh?
7: Everyone's not doing it all together?
8: Ryou!
9: Oh, so you came out!

103)
1: Well?
2: How does our boat look?!
3: We're going to put a mast and a sail on it.
4: Lots of people will be able to ride on it, we should be able to sail for about a week.
5: It's big...why so big...?
6: One week...don't tell me?!
7: Just watch...

104)
1: We'll get off the island with this.
2: Off this suicide island!!
3: Ehhh?!
4: Off...the island?
5: Sei.
6: Come with us.

[Chapter 25 - END]