Desire 6

Hi, SA. Your work is easy to read and leaves almost nothing to guesswork! I hope you'll find my suggestions useful. Thanks for your efforts!

edJack

Suggestions in <>. They cover both grammar and flow. Suggestions are listed in descending order of preference.

Remarks in []
Incidentally, how do I make red text appear?

Desire 6
MAIN DISH

en
+ posted by StrangerAtaru as translation on Jun 17, 2009 14:09 | Go to Desire

-> RTS Page for Desire 6
Last time: Takashi had sex with a secretary... she was naughty but busty... and there's still the Rikako matter...
<...and there's still the business with Rikako...>

File:6: MAIN DISH

136.
Caption: Saturday, Setagaya Ward
Takashi: I've attended home parties many times, but this is the first I've received an invitation from the company director's class.
<I've attended many home parties, but this is my first time receiving an invitation from the company director's class.>

Takashi: I've been assessed of my work by Executive Director Itou......this is how he feels. (out loud) .........
<Executive Director Itou assessed my work... and this is how he feels. (out loud) ...>
Saeki: I hope you haven't betrayed me!


137.
Saeki: Executive Director Itou is No. 5 in power of the executives. You're a person whose future isn't being overlooked.
<Saeki: Executive Director Itou is the fifth most powerful executive. You're a person whose future isn't being overlooked.>
<Saeki: Executive Director Itou is No. 5 in the executive hierarchy. You're a person whose future isn't being overlooked.>

Caption: Secretary of the Executive Director: YUKA SAEKI (24)
Takashi: Eeh.
Saeki: About the other day...it's better we both forget, understood?
<Saeki: About the other day... it'd be best if we both forgot about it, understand?>
Takashi: Um, understood.

138.
Takashi: A solo portion of Mozart's threatening sonata......
<Takashi: That's a solo from one of Mozart's ominous sonatas...>
(TN: This part needs a bit of work)
Takashi: Rikako............
<Takashi: Rikako...>
Itou: That's my niece! She's a music college graduate.
Itou: Fujii-kun...you don't socialize with women. I think a woman with good breeding and a serious personality would suit you.

139.
Reiko: Nice to meet you, I'm Reiko Itou.
Takashi: Ah, nice to meet you, I'm Fujii of the IT department.
Reiko: You've been famous recently...
Itou: A serious man like him can end up being hindered in work if caught by bad women. Greater than the political faction he joins, the women who keep company don't bring peace.
<Itou: A serious man like him can end up being hindered at work, if he allows himself to be caught up with bad women.>
[Can you clarify the second sentence? I'll try to guess at the meaning]

<Itou: A serious man like him can end up being hindered at work, if he allows himself to be caught up with bad women. A man's political faction counts for nothing, if the women who keep him company don't bring him peace.>

<Itou: A serious man like him can end up being hindered at work, if he allows himself to be caught up with bad women. Regardless of the political faction he joins, such women will never bring him peace.>

<Where a man's inner peace is concerned, the company of his woman is of greater importance than his political affiliation.>

<Regardless of the political faction he joins, a man in poor company will never find peace.>

Saeki: Your relation with us......Please find peace. You won't have it with a bad woman like me.
[What does 'bad' mean? Loose? Promiscuous? Fallen? Disgraced?]
<Saeki: About our relationship... Please find peace. You'll never have it with a bad woman like me.>

140.
Reiko: Well, Fujii-san likes the classics too.
Takashi: I did play violin through high school, but my abilities are...
<Takashi: I did play the violin all through high school, but my abilities are...>
Takashi: Would you like a drink, like some mizuwari...
(TN: Mizuwari is whiskey diluted with water)
Reiko: Ah... sorry, I'll have juice.
Takashi: ....
Takashi: RIKAKO...!!

141.
Takashi: ....
Takashi: Wh...why are you here!?
Rikako: We'll meet real soon...I did send you the e-mail.
Takashi: ....
Rikako: Here...
Takashi: !?
Saeki: ....

142.
Saeki: This is your first executive home party. Was that woman now an acquaintance?
<Saeki: This is your first executive home party. Was that woman just now an acquaintance?>
Takashi: Eh...
Takashi: Ah...pardon for a moment.
<Takashi: Ah... excuse me for a moment.>
Saeki: ...
Letter:
IT'S BEEN A WHILE
TOMORROW WE'LL
HAVE DINNER FOR THE TWO OF US...
<HAVE DINNER TOGETHER...>
7:00 PM, NISHIAZABU
(TN: Nishiazabu is a district of Minato in Tokyo, the former western part of Azabu)
RESTAURANT L'MANT
MAP

Takashi: Just the two of us......

143.
Takashi: I've waited for this day!!
Rikako: It would be better if we cut the meat
Waiter: Ah...yes.
Takashi: ....

144.
Waiter: Please take your time.
Takashi: Wh...whatever you talk about is fine......there's a lot I want to hear...
<Takashi: Wh...whatever you want to talk about is fine... there's a lot I want to hear...>
Takashi: Of...course, you stopped the plane and the police... are you OK about that incident?
Rikako: Yes. It's nothing you need to worry about... My purpose for that incident has been achieved...to stop Takashi from going to America so we can meet......
<Rikako: Yes. It's nothing you need to worry about... I achieved my goal... preventing Takashi from going to America, so that we could meet...>

Rikako: It's best you didn't know what I do with the others. If you knew, I'm sure you'd regret it.
<Rikako: You're better off not learning what I did with the others. I'm sure you'd regret it if you knew.>
Takashi: ....

145.
Rikako: Freud's theories say this.
Rikako: Pleasant sexual feelings are the strongest of all pleasant feelings. If they can pile up experiences, then a strong bond for a duo will be born......
<Rikako: Pleasant sexual feelings are the strongest of all pleasant feelings. If a couple can build up shared experiences, then a strong bond will be born between them...>
Rikako: A strong bond...
Takashi: ....
Takashi: I, understand! I know nothing about your origin.
<Takashi: I understand! I know nothing about your origin.>
Takashi: Rikako......since encountering you, my desire to women has awakened. I...want to embrace you. Can you grant that!?

["Will you grant me that" sounds very formal! Is Takashi very nervous?]
<Takashi: Rikako... Meeting you has awakened my passion. I... want to embrace you. Will you grant my desire!?>

146.
Rikako: Without teasing... you can have sex anytime.
<Rikako: In all seriousness... you can have sex anytime.>
Takashi: ......!?
Rikako: Between us, societal morals don't exist. We don't need etiquette or manners either.
[Grammatically correct; but I wish there was a way to make her sound more sultry, without losing the meaning.]
<Rikako: We shouldn't let societal morals come between us. We can't let etiquette or manners stop us now either.>
[She's hardly purring, but that's the best I can do. Nya~!]

147.
Rikako: Tonight's main dish is me...
Rikako: Eat me as you like.
Takashi: Eh...!?

148.
Takashi: Ea...eat you.........!?
Rikako: Won't you nibble......? And peel off this skin...?
Takashi: .........

149-150.
(No dialogue)
[Cue the wah-wah pedal]

151.
Takashi: ............
Takashi: This is........
Rikako: Don't be bound by morals and such...now, eat some more...
Takashi: .........
Takashi: Right, there's nothing to be ashamed of...
Takashi: This pretty body......

152-153.
(No dialogue)

153.
Rikako: ............

154.
Rikako: There.........
Rikako: Ah...
Voice: What's going on!? Are you alright!!

155.
Rikako: We're fine! It's nothing.
Rikako: I'm sorry, I'm going to the bathroom for a bit.
SFX: Knock knock
Waiter: Pardon.
Waiter: The customer has paid the bill and went on ahead home.
<Waiter: The customer has paid the bill and departed for home.>
Takashi: Eh...
Waiter: ...She wanted me to give this to you.
Takashi: ...!?

156.
Letter: GOODBYE! RIKAKO
Takashi: ...
<Takashi: Pleasant sexual feelings are the strongest of all pleasant feelings. If a couple can build up shared experiences, then a strong bond will be born between them... In all seriousness... you can have sex anytime.>
Takashi: Right. Sex can be done anytime.
<Takashi: Right. Sex can be had anytime.>
SFX: PPP...
SFX: PPP

157.
Takashi: Ah...Executive Director Itou!! Thank you very much for inviting me yesterday.
Itou: There was so much noise yesteday that I couldn't tell you but my niece seems to be suitable for you. She said that she seems she certainly wants to go out with you.
<Itou: There was so much noise yesterday that I couldn't tell you, but my niece seems to be suitable for you. She said that she certainly wants to go out with you.>

Itou: Wouldn't you be proud of taking her to a meal this time?
<Itou: Wouldn't you be proud to take her out to dinner?>
Takashi: ....
Takashi: Ye...yes, I'll be pleased to!
<Takashi: Ye...yes, I'd be pleased to!>
[I assume Takeshi is talking about a conditional future - If she were to let me go out with her, I would be pleased - rather than the future as such - We will be going out tomorrow, and I will be pleased]

Takashi: Alright, thanks...! Bye.
[Itou outranks Takashi, so formal language might be more suitable.]
<Takashi: Yes, thank you...! Goodbye.>
SFX: PI...
Takashi: I understand, Rikako. Above being a man of the firm, I need future possibilities too......
<Takashi: I understand, Rikako. In addition to being a man of the firm, I need to show my potential as well...>

TN: Well at least he sort of did it with Rikako...but at least her job is done: he's been "awakened" and has a future ahead of him...doing stuff. Somehow I think Reiko may be next with that ending but...at least she's cuter than Saeki.