Hell Teacher Nube 186

There have been many strange, scary and down-right freaky things Nube has come across so far. But among them are things that were so strange, scary and freaky that their stories couldn't be revealed...until now...

Vol. 22: A Report Card of Nube’s Class
#186: Stories That Were Too Scary and Weren’t Published

7.
Nube: Everyone, good day to you. This is Hell Teacher Nube. Today we are putting in the thought of gratitude of all of our readers and sending to you in an omnibus format stories that were too scary up to now and weren’t published in the Jump magazine.

8.
Caption: The 1st Tale: The Unbeatable Spirit
SFX: Goro goro goro
Sign: Doumori Bowl
Kyouko: It’s here: the bowling alley that asked for the exorcism…
Nube: Hmm, it seems that an evil spirit appeared and the customers have come to not come.
Hiroshi: There’s a dangerous atmosphere.
Sign: Manager’s Office
SFX: Giiii~~
Manager: Welcome
Caption: Manager (Human)

9.
SFX: Gishi gishi
Manager: Since three months ago, a terrible monster has come to emerge on top of the lanes.
Manager: Actually in the story with the merchant, they made a mistake with one among the pins and appeared to use the sacred tree of a certain shrine.
Nube: Understood: this pin that was made with the sacred tree reasonably is angered with it not falling down no matter how many times.
Nube: ………
“Spirit”: Oooh—
Kyouko: Th…there’s something there.
Hiroshi: Some terrible being.
Nube: …It’s appearing.
“Spirit”: Oooh—

10.
Bowling Pin: I am unbeatable! Unbeatable--! How dare you can’t defeat me no matter how many times~~ I am bibibibitter~~~
(TN: The “bibibibitter” part is the bowling pin going “Urauraura” over and over, before ultimately building “ura” with “uramesiya”, which is Japnaese for “bitter”)
SFX: Oooooh

11.
Nube: …………
Bowling Pin: I am a pedigree, just sacred tree! How dare you wither me into this form! Unbeatable! Absolutely unbeatable; I can’t be defeated no matter what you do--! Wa~~hahaha----…
SFX: Gon!
Bowling Pin: Uwawawa~~I…I’ve been defeated~~
Bowling Pin: Hii hii uhyoho~~!

12.
Bowling Pin: Uoto to to…hmph!
SFX: Kyu kyu ga
Bowling Pin: Phew~~that was close. You dummy—wasn’t you going to take me down? Don’t throw the ball, coward. Don’t you know the rules of bowling? Roll it perfectly!
Nube: Compared to being angry at being turned into a pin, it’s protecting the rules of bowling. If we can defeat it, it seems like it will rest in peace and disappear.
Bowling Pin: Of course. But I’m unbeatable. I’m absolutely unbeatable. If you’re the ones who will defeat me, then defeat me!
Kyouko: Ei!
Bowling Pin: Ha!
SFX: Hyoi
Hiroshi: Taa
SFX: Sa
Bowling Pin: Simpleton—

13.
Bowling Pin: Wa~~hahaha, what’s wrong, show that you can defeat me, fool—he—y, simpleton, thickheaded, slug, hi—hihi, stu—pid.
SFX: Goro goro | Hyoi
Nube: Hey! How about I go over there and kick you down!?
Bowling Pin: Wh…what, that’s no good.
Bowling Pin: Do it. I’ll put a ten-yen bald spot on your head as my curse.
(TN: A “ten-yen bald spot” is the sudden appearance of a random, round bald spot on the head, akin to the round hole in a ten-yen piece)
Nube: …………
SFX: Tsuka tsuka tsuka
Bowling Pin: U…uwa, don’t come. No, it’s foul play. Come out, 10-yen bald-spot beam.

14.
Nube: Ur aura ura~~
SFX: Gashi gashi
Bowling Pin: Guhaaa!!
Bowling Pin: Un…unbeatable. Abshowootly…unbeatable… (Haa haa)
(TN: The “mispronouncing” is intentional due to the bad state of the bowling pin by this point)
Nube: S**t…he’s a tenacious thing…
Kyouko: He’s got quite the guts.
Hiroshi: His family tree is sacredly strong in just coming from a sacred tree…(whisper…)
(TN: Hiroshi’s pun here is really strange but basically it comes out as such: in the original Japanese, Hiroshi called the pin “‘shinbo’kudzuyoi”, combining the term of “shinboku” with the Japanese word “shinbou”, which is Japanese for “endurance” or “patience”. The joke is that Hiroshi merged “Shinbou” with “Shinboku”, but at the same time refers to it being ‘shinbou’kudzuyoi for being a “shinboku”, thus the pun. Since I ended up translating “shinboku” here as “sacred tree” (as in the holy tree of a Shinto shrine), I ended up with the silly “family tree is sacredly strong” to try and make the joke work in English…I don’t know if it did but I tried my best for such a horrible pun)
Kyouko: What’s~~that

15.
SFX: Zugo--!
Nube: Nothing~~we could~~do~~~
Bowling Pin: What! It can’t be, I’ve been beaten! Uwaaaa, I can rest in peace~~~
Bowling Pin: Uwaa~~noo~~what a world~~(what a world—what a world—what a world---)
(TN: Yeah, the pin actually just says “konna no” or “that’s” as it fades away, but somehow I thought it would be funny to use the old “Wicked Witch of the West” bit here as performed by Margaret Hamilton in the original 1939 film of “The Wizard of Oz”.)
SFX: Shuuu…
Hiroshi: Well, it was that amusing?
Narrator: And so, the unbeatable spirit was beaten…
SFX: Goro goro goro

16.
Nube: …………Um--…
SFX: Shi—n…
Nube: Well! That was an extremely scary story! The next is even scarier! Let’s go to the next!
Caption: The 2nd Tale: Youkai Kimunanu
Nube: Haa haa
Kyouko: Nube
Nube: Ah, all of you! Haven’t you seen a suspicious being in this area?
Nube: In truth, a youkai I was in the middle of exorcising ran away. It’s called Kimunanu.
Kyouko: Kimunanu?
Nube: It is said that Kimananu (thought to be a mountain resident) is a youkai where if you’re possessed by it, you become greedy, get hated by people and ruin your body.

17.
Nube: I give up…that thing changed into a person in this crowd.
Kyouko: Isn’t there a method you can recognize it?
SFX: Zoro zoro zoro
Nube: hmm…Kimunanu gets angry and shows it’s true form when you make fun of it’s baldness for it’s bald head…
Kyouko: Wha!?
Nube: Mu! Youki!!
Nube: Hold on!
SFX: Ba!
“Bald Man”: ? What is it?
Nube: Hm—m, it transformed skillfully.
“Bald Man”: ? ?
SFX: Jiro jiro jiro jiro
Nube: However…it’s dangerous if I differentiate it. Al—right, I’ll do a test.

18.
Nube: Bald.
SFX: Boso… | Pishi
Nube: Slippery, slippery, sparkly slippery.
Nube: S**t, it’s a tenacious guy… (out loud) Bibbidy Bobbidy Ba—ld
(TN: Alright, this one is going to need a bit of explanation: the spell that Nube recites here is actually “Arabin Tobin Hagechabin”, which is magic spell used by the characters in the Tatsunoko Production anime series “Hakushon Daimaou” (Great Demon King Hakushon), also known in the US as “The Genie Family” or “Bob in a Bottle”, which ran originally between 1969 and 1971 and with two spin-off shows in the 2000s featuring the daughter of genie Hakushon Daimaou, Akubi. Since I knew it wasn’t going to work for the “bald” bit, I ended up modifying “Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo” to cause…well, more Nube problems)
Nube: Sparkle, sparkly, slippery slippery, shiny and slippery! (Ehe ehe) Bald and bald got in a fight~~it was good neither of them got “pelted”~~~(that was my best one)
(TN: Nube’s silly joke about “bald and bald got in a fight” actually had a similar punchline in Japanese but it was slightly adjusted for English. The final part of his gag here is “Dochira mo “kega” naku” or “neither of them got hurt”. But he emphasized the “kega”, with the “ke” usually standing for “hair”. However, “pelt” is another reading for “ke” or just hair/fur in general, and thus I used that word for the punchline)
SFX: Buchi

19.
Bald Man: Funga—
SFX: Baki
Nube: Nu
SFX: Bube
SFX: Doka Baki Gya—
“Fanged Man”: Ku ku ku
“Fanged Man”: Ku ku ku
SFX: Supo
“Bald Man”: Uga~~
Nube: Hi~~I’m sorry
“Fanged Man”: I was saved by a foolish man.

20.
Nube: The next! The next tale is truly scary! (Ha~~ha~~)
Kyouko: Your face is scary.
Caption: The 3rd Tale: Kawayashin
Kaneda: Hey! Hold on a moment, I’m going to take a poop.
Kaneda: The bathroom at the northern bridge of the park has a dugged-up one even now. It’s smelly but nothing I can do about it.
(TN: “Dugged up one” refers to a “Kumitorishiki” style of bathroom, which is merely just a ditch dug up where people go to the bathroom and it just decomposes right there)
Sign: Public Restroom
Kaneda: Hmph!
SFX: Puri puri botoboto jo~~
Kaneda: Ah—that was quick.
SFX: Kacha kacha | Pe
Voice: H~~ey~~do~~n’t~~sp~~it~~in the~~pot~~~~
Kaneda: !!

21.
Kaneda: Wa~~
Kyouko: Kya--!
Hiroshi: What is it; in the urinal?
Kaneda: When I spit in the pot, it got angry.
Katsuya: Let’s find out!
SFX: Pe pe
“Voice”: He~~y~~~
Hiroshi: Wa—it’s true!
Hiroshi: What do we do?
Miki: I’ve heard a story where a degenerate held up an umbrella and put it inside.
Katsuya: Alright, we’ll throw in many things and punish it!
Hiroshi: Get out you guy--!
Kaneda: Take this!
SFX: Bocha bocha bocha
“Voice”: He~y~~~

22.
Nube: Hey, stop that—
Nube: Kawayashin is in that toilet!
(TN: “Kawayashin” literally translates into “Toilet God”…and yes, this being does exist in Shinto)
Hiroshi: Kawayashin?
Nube: Yes.
Nube: Kawayashin is the god of toilets. It’s an extremely celebrated god. Kawayashin exists within chamber pots and takes pee in one hand and feces in another hand. Therefore, if you spit phlegm or spit into the urinal, Kawayashin gets angry because it must receive it.
Kyouko: Where would that be celebrated!
Miki: Smelly! Dirty! Bull!
(TN: Miki’s “Bull” here is the Japanese word “Bacchii”, which is short for “babacchii” or “bulls**t”. Thus I shortened it into merely “bull”)
Nube: It isn’t dirty!

23.
Nube: Even among gods, no one had wanted to become the god of toilets. However, a god with a kind heart advanced himself to the job that everyone hated and undertook it. Therefore, Kawayashin is said to be the most celebrated among the eight million gods. It offensive to make fun of it with “dirty”. Please apologize!
Hiroshi: Kawayashin-san, we’re sorry.
Katsuya: We’re sorry.
SFX: Gobo
SFX: Gobo gobo gobo
Everyone: !!

24.
Students: Wa~~Kya—hi—
Kaneda: Smelly~~
Nube: Ka…Kawayashin…
Kawayashin: Thank you. I really thank you for teaching children that I am not dirty.
Nube: Well…
SFX: Sa
SFX: Sasa
Kawayashin: ………

25.
Kawayashin: Thank you!
SFX: Hishi~~~
Nube: Ugyaa~~diirtyy~~~
Nube: How was that, everyone? There are many others, but that’s all for today. If you want to hear these—sorts of sotries again, please send a letter.
Flag: A souvenir.
Nube: See you around.

26.
Nube-sensei’s
(Useless) SUPPLEMENTAL EXPLANATION

#26: The Eight-Million Gods

There were said to be eight million gods since long ago in Japan.

Even if you say “eight-million”, there truly isn’t a reason that there were eight-million gods. The number called “eight” long ago was used to have a meaning of “many”. Just like in saying “The flower of Edo has 808 towns” or “Lie 800”. In short, the saying “Eight-Million Gods” has a meaning that says there are many gods to that extent.

Incidentally, what we image from the word of “god” is usually the God (Yahweh) of Christianity.

However, in Christianity, it is taught that God exists as only one man in the universe who is omniscient and omnipresent. Why are there many in this way gods in Japan?

That is because the gods of Japan are the gods of “Animism”. Animism is a belief that a spirit (anima) dwells in every thing and phenomenon in the natural world; even the word “animation”, which has a meaning of “to present life to inanimate objects”, is born from here.

In Christianity, the thought of differentiation of God and spirit, like in saying “The Father (God), the Son (Christ) and the Holy Spirit” is popular. (There is also a sect that speaks of the theory of the Trinity and thinks they have an equal existence) In Japan, on top of them not being having differentiation, “gods” have come to have many existences due to being introduced as universal gods even to the influential powerful clans of Shinto deities (beings like the gods that protect the home) of long ago. Tentatively, there is a goddess that is called Amaterasu Oomikami who exists as a leader, but there isn’t a reason that she possesses absolute authority.

Furthermore, Japanese myth can be read in “Kojiki” or “Nihon Shoki”. Search for them and read them at the library.

(TN: A few things:
1. Originally when Nube mentioned the “eight-million gods” bit in the chapter with the section on Kawayashin, I was originally going to translate it as “myriads of gods”. But with the whole “eight” aspects verified and explained here, I kept it “eight million gods” to have it stated, then later explained. Strangely, the Japanese word for “eight million” as stated here is “Yaoyorozu” and the “Eight Million Gods” have a Japanese name of the “Yaoyorozu no Kami”
2. The “Flower of Edo has 808 towns” is based on the Japanese expression that states “Hana no Edo wa Happyakuya-chou”. While this is a comment about the many, many neighborhoods of old Edo (now Tokyo), the expression did use the “eight” concept explained only by saying there were “eight-hundred and eight”.
3. Likewise, “Lie 800” or “Uso Happyaku” is actually an expression used in Japanese ofr “Full of Lies”.
4. “Yahweh” is stated as the name of the being that many merely call “God” stemming from ancient Judaism, as evolved from Cannanite and Hebrew. In Jewish texts, the Yahweh name comes from when Moses asks him his name, leading to his name associated with two other words that it says: “I am that I am” and “I am”. Many later translations of the Jewish bible likewise ended up adding certain vowels to “Yahweh” leading to the common name used for God in the Hebrew bible: Adonai, while another reading leads to the common Christian name of “Jehovah” as another pronunciation. This “God” is seen as the “one true God” that is defined in Judeo-Christian belief and their monotheistic concepts.
5. While “animism” was defined rather well here, I just want to add for the most part that, in many animistic traditions, there is no separation between the physical and spiritual world, thus the belief that spirit exists in all things that exist and the trust that people must give to all things likewise.
6. It’s really difficult to define the whole aspect of the differentiation and the similarities regarding those who see the separation of the Trinity and those who see the same in one body within Christian thought, but for the most part think of it as such: most classical Christian thought see “God” (Yahweh) as one being with three identities known as “Hypostasis” where he has three identities, but all are the same with the same philosophies and concepts. On the other hand, the former idea of God being “three literal beings” is a more recent concept best seen in the religion of Mormonism (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints): there are three beings of Elohim (Father), Jehova (Son) and Holy Spirit, the former two with “perfect bodies” and considered a Godhead who see them as separate gods united in will and purpose.
7. “Kojiki” (Record of Ancient Matters) is the oldest chronicle of Japan dating from the 8th century. It is a collection of myth regarding the four islands of Japan and the Kami/Gods who reside there, as well as the earliest emperors of Japan)

TN: First of all, for those of you expecting me to do an April Fools joke with this chapter...not this year. I'm so tired regarding the joke I did on another of my haunts that I didn't of anything to really do for this chapter. Besides...this chapter is about as April Fools as you can get for Nube so it sort of speaks for itself.

As for the chapter itself...well, what did you expect, blood-curdling, horrifying stories!? This is Nube, not some super-ultra-gorey seinen...besides, a chapter like this sort of just goes through certain situations that are so ridiculous that I doubt Nube really wanted them revealed. For some reason the bit with the living bowling pin felt a tad confusing in that I figured it didn't want to be knocked down...yet it said it did and celebrated somewhat when it wasn't. On the other hand, the other two tales were pretty spot on...though the last one was probably something that would gross people out but the aspect of a "toilet god" does exist in Japan...so go with it. (this isn't Bo-bobo, people, so it's not like poop jokes like this are going to pop up every week...of course Bo-bobo is an exception) And the middle tale...for some stupid reason I just had weird images of Edajima when I saw that bald man Nube accused of being a youkai. (yeah Edajima sort of hates being bald too but at least he got past it...after sternly and angrily yelling about he's the Principal of Otokojuku after losing said last hair) All in all, while there hasn't been as much really "scary" Nube as of late, this was a rather deceptive but silly little break in the action.