Gintama 497

There is more text in this chapter than in all of the games this chapter parodies combined.

[Gintama 497 Translation by Kewl0210]
Page 1:
Sign: Blacksmith.
Someone: Apparently a metal that no one has ever seen before was discovered on a planet in some remote region.
A metal that's amazingly light, doesn't rust, and is harder than diamond.
If someone were to forge a sword out of this material, what kind of sword would it be?
As a blacksmith, I'm really fascinated by the idea of such a metal. I'd really like to get my hands on it.
So I'd like you to watch over the shop for me while I'm away.
Don't worry, I'm not asking you to make any swords.
I've already finished all the orders I've received. I just need you to serve any customers that come in by returning their swords to taking their swords in for me to work on later.
I'm leaving it to you,
guys.
Insert: The Yorozuya house sits for the first time!!
Title: 'Gintama'

Page 2:
Gintoki: She sure is a curious person.
Looking for Orichalcum during the age of sword prohibition? I hope she doesn't end up getting her hands on some horse manure.
Shinpachi: But wow, look how many swords she's keeping here... She must have a lot of customers.
I wonder what sort of people are coming here in an era like this.
Gin: Lemme see..
SFX: KACHA
This sword looks pretty decent but there are no markings to indicate that it's ever been used.
It was probably nothing more than a decoration its big-shot owner stuck on his side. I'd say this is owned by a Bakufu official.
This one smells like blood. It doesn't have a signature, but it's been re-forged a bunch of times.
More likely than not this belongs to a particularly violent Joui Patriot.
So enemies like government officials and terrorists go to get their swords at the same place, huh? I guess blacksmithing is a pretty tough job.
Shinpachi: So,Gin-san, you're saying you can look at a sword and get a general idea of what kind of person uses it?
Gintoki: Yeah. It's sorta like how when you see a car you can pretty much tell what kind of dude drives it.
Cars with their frames lowered to the ground are usually driven by yankiis. And people that take their shoes off before getting in cars are yankiis.
If you see a brat with long hair at the back of their neck sitting in the back seat, you can tell they're a yankii.
Shinpachi: Um, all you're talking about are yankiis. The conversation kinda got sidetracked and now you're not even talking about cars.

Page 3:
Gin: Katanas, watches, and cars are all things that express a samurai's status. They tell you a lot.
Kagura: Just what sort of person uses it?
T/N: I think that sword might be a reference to the cursed sword the Soul Edge from Soul Caliber. It sorta looks like it.
Gin: This is a sword of destruction used by a warrior that picked this sword up without realizing that it was cursed and then he found he couldn't take his armor off anymore, I guess.
Kagura: Hm~~~~
Shin: Uh, the user himself is actually physically stuck to iiiiit!!
Kagura: Eh? This is not a strap?
Shin: Why would somebody be using the corpse of a warrior as a strap?!
What the hell is this?! Why in the world was Tetsuko given something like this to hold onto?! Who in the world...
SOmeone: PLEAAAAAAAASE!!
SFX: ZAH

Page 4:
Guy: Is the maintenance done
done on the sword I requested you to repair, Testuko-dono?
Insert: The hero has appeared!
Title: Lesson 497
Strike While the Iron and the Evil King are Hot
Author: Sorachi Hidaki
T/N: These guys are references to Dragon Quest 3's characters.
Guys: Some customers
that don't seem like they belong in this world have shown up...!!
Hero: ---I see.
So Tetsuko-dono is away, is she?
Sorry for the delayed introduction. I am the hero, Roto Shikkusu
T/N: The hero's name is the name of a Japanese lottery where you pick 6 numbers, "Loto 6", written like a name.
A being of Planet Hero, a star which fosters heroes to be guardians of peace in the galaxy.
Guys: Planet Hero?
Roto: I have received intelligence that on the star where they discover and foster Evil Kings in order to disrupt the peace of the galaxy, Planet Evil King, the Evil King of the Galaxy, Tiramisu, has been born. I am now journeying to subjugate him.
Somebody: Planet Evil King? I don't mean to be rude, but something like that actually exists?

Page 5:
Roto: But during our journey, one of my party members, a warrior named Takeshi, equipped a cursed weapon and ended up like this.
I had heard there was a good blacksmith on this planet, so I placed him in your care, hoping she could do something about it.
Shin: Um, I'm not sure if this is exactly the sorta place you should be going to.
I don't totally understand this whole thing, but maybe you should do something like go to a church to get the curse lifted.
Box: Break curse
Revive
Roto: Although the Sword of Destruction is cursed, it is a mighty weapon.
I was hoping she could remove this corpse to allow me to use the sword.
Shinpachi: That was your request?! You're just gonna let a member of your party die?! Are you seriously a hero?!
Gin: The repairs on the Sword of Destruction are now complete, but...
Roto: Huh?
Gin: even if we remove the corpse, it will stay cursed, so you can't use the sword.
Still, you can use it indirectly by equipping Takeshi along with the sword like this. That way you can use the sword indirectly.
Handwritten: As you can see, this allows you to wield it while remaining curse-free.
Shin: Takeshi will curse yooooou!!
Roto: I see. So that is the case. I am sure Takeshi will rest in peace.
Shin: The only thing you're using is Takeshi at this point!!
SFX: BUN BUN
Roto: I knew coming to this skilled artisan whose name is heard throughout the galaxy was a good decision.
I truly acknowledge your skill. So I will make one more request.

Page 6:
Roto: In order to defeat Galactic Evil King Tiramisu, it is said that the legendary hero requires
the Galactic Holy Sword, Cosmos, which must be drawn from a pedestal.
I am glad I was able to obtain this legendary sword at all, but over the course of its long slumber it has suffered considerable damage.
I wish for you to re-forge this sword as that I may use it once again.
Shin: You haven't draw that thing at aaaaall!!
SFX: GOTON
Shin: It hasn't recognized you as the hero at all!! You clearly ripped part of the stone out with it!
Roto: The hands of the Evil King are fast approaching. Time is of the essence, so I ripped it out with an excavator.
Shin: What kind of hero are you?! Why don't you just go beat the Evil King with your excavator?!
Roto: The final battle with the Evil King is near. For the sake of peace in the Milky Way, please make haste.
Shin: You're telling us to draw this legendary sword?! That's not what a blacksmith does! Isn't that your job?!
Roto: We will be taking a rest at a nearby inn. Please have it done in the meantime.
Shin: Hold on! Take Takeshi with yooou!!
Oh geez. I can't believe Tetsuko-san had someone like that as a customer.
What do we do, Gin-san? He left this crazy sword with us.

Page 7:
Kagura: Tetsuko told us to service the customers. We cannot just ignore this.
The fate of the universe rides on it, yes?
Gin: Well, I guess even we can at least get the sword out of this thing.
Shin: This is a legendary sword that even a hero couldn't draw!
Gin: Well, we may not have any legendary heroes, but we do have some legendary sex-industry girls around.
Shin: What are you trying to take out exactly?!!
I thought so. It won't budge.
I don't think this'll becoming out.
SFX: GUH GUH
Gin: There's no need to take it out.
Did those guys say a thing about actually taking the sword out?
They said they just wanted to be able to wield it. So as long as they can use it as a sword, then we're all good even if it's still stuck in there.
Shin: Huh? You're saying the sword can still be used like this?
Gin: Basically, the problem is what it's stuck in is pretty bad. But if we just put a little elbow grease into the rock, then...
it can become a perfectly good sword like this.
Shin: You turned it into a completely different 'ken'!!
T/N: That's Shimura Ken, the comedian. "Ken" is also a word for "sword". Then below, we have Watanabe Ken, the actor. Then Takakura Ken, an old actor. Recently in a commercial where he says that line.
Gin: Well, it's a legendary 'ken'.
Shin: It may be legendary, but now we've just got a 'ken' stuck in a 'ken'!
Gin: Then we'll just stick Ken in a different Ken.
Shin: That's not the probleeem!!
Gin: Then maybe if we stick Ken and the other Ken in him? Then legendary Ken will come out.
Handwritten: Because I'm clumsy.
Shin: You're not gonna get a single ken out!! And what part is clumsy?! This definitely is no clever slight-of-hand trick!!

Page 8:
Kagura: As I thought, it seems we have no choice but to get it out, yes?
Shin: I think it might be impossible to take it out by force even for you, Kagura-chan.
Kagura: I know. Do not think of it as taking the sword out of the stone.
SFX: GUH
Kagura: We just need to to remove the stone from the sword, yes?!!
Shin: You broke both the stone and the swoooooord!!
SFX: GOSHAA
Shin: It booooooooooke!!
The legendary sword broke!! What sorta legend does that make you?! A legendary idiot?! Are you gonna be legendarily dead?!
Kagura: Is this... a legendary jackknife?
Shin: The hell do you mean, legendary jackknife?! You snapped it down to the hilt!
Kagura: I couldn't pull out any great sword, just a dull old blade. But if this is a jackknife, then it could probably slit the Evil King's windpipe, yes?
Shin: Uh, I don't think I've ever heard of a hero that's gone up against an Evil King with just a jackknife! That would be a seriously brave hero!!
We do we do now?! We've gotta fix this or the hero is going to lose to the Evil King!!
Somebody: PLEAAAASE!!
PLEAAAAASE!!
Shin: !!

Page 9:
Guys: !!
SFX: BABAAN
Shin: Wha?!
What? Who in the world are you people?!!
Guys: Kukuku...
So it is you they call the greatest blacksmiths in all the galaxy?
SFX: ZAH
King: I have found you.
I have finally found you.
Um~~~~ I'm the Galactic Evil King, Tiramisu. And I made an appointment a little while ago.
I brought the sword I asked you to please fix for me. Could you take a look at it?
Shin: Y......
You, tooooooooooo?!!
Both the hero and the evil king have both booked to have swords fixed here?! What the hell is going ooooon?!!

Page 10:
Shin: What the hell is Tetsuko doing?!! So the fate of the universe is riding on her lone hammer?!
King: Umm, we talked a little about it on the phone, but...
I am actually scheming to conquer the universe and there is this person getting in my way who's called a "hero".
And this is the Galactic Evil Blade Mahinas, the sole thing that can inter the hero.
I'm happy that I was able to get the sword at all, because you see it can only be drawn from its pedestal by the true evil king, but...
during its 10,000 year slumber, the Evil Blade has gotten quite rusty, as you can see.
Shin: What the hell is that legendary evil blade stuck in?!
Can: Canned Peaches
Shin: He was trying to open a can of peaches with it?! He was seriously trying to open a tin can with an Evil Blade and it got stuck?!
King: This Evil Blade is proof of the legitimacy of the one who rules over all evil. But in the state it's in, it cannot even appear in the final battle against the hero.
Shin: So both the hero and the Evil King weren't recognized by their swords? What the hell does that mean?!
King: We would like you to please re-forge it soon, before the hero attacks.
However, we are aware that a sword is not something that can be tempered in a short time.
So the least I can do is leave my subordinate, Rotting Kiyoshi, here to assist you.
I request that you finish the job by the time Kiyoshi rots completely.
Shin: He's not gonna be any help!! All he's gonna do is bother us!!

Page 11:
Shin: ----What should we do?
Now not only do we have the hero's sword, we've also been given the Evil King's sword...
SFX: GOH BOKI
Shin: You broke iiiiit?! You broke that one, toooo?!
Gin: 'A course. If just one out of the hero and the evil king's swords were short, then they'd know that it broke.
But if both legendary swords are the same length, then they'll chalk it up to "I guess this is just how legends are."
Shin: Like hell it will!! Are you a legendary idiot?!
They're legendary swords. If they find out, they'll make a legendary claims for damage reparations.
Gin: Then we just don't let them find out... Hey, does the heroe's sword seem a little bit longer to you?
Kagura: Perhaps we should give the hero the advantage?
Gin: You idiot. To a blacksmith, there are no enemies nor allies. All a blacksmith has is the iron in front of him that he pounds into shape with all his might.
Handwritten: You saw Tetsuko's work, right?
Shin: I'd rather not be told that by a guy that used all of his might to break a sword.
Gin: Let's shave a little off from the hero's side.
SFX: GAN GAN
Kagura: ...Huh? Now the evil king's is longer.
Gin: ...Now the hero's is again.
SFX: GAN GAN
Gin: And now the evil king's is.
Kagura: This is not going very well yes?
SFX: GAN GAN
SFX: GAN GAN
Both: So this is a legendary beam saber?
Shin: Like hell that's gonna fool theeem!!

Page 12:
Shin:The entire blade is friggin' gone!!
Gin: So beam sorta things that only the true hero and evil king can see come out of these, huh?
Shin: This couldn't get any woooorse!! Being stuck in the rock and the peach can is better than this!!
Gin: That's it.
The problem is the length. We just need to stick them in something again to trick them into making them seem longer.
How about this?
Let's say that when we removed the rock and the peach from the legendary swords
SFX: DOSU DOSU (Stab stab)
Gin: From inside them, a hero and an evil king... Or rather, a hero and an evil king were already stabbed with them. There ya go.
Shin: That's Takeshi and Kiyoshiiiiii!!
Gin: It's like their rivals are already dead.
Shin: Well, sure, they're dead, but those are Takeshi and Kiyoshiii!!
Gin: If this cause a meaningless battle to be avoided, Takeshi and Kiyoshi's sacrifices will have been worth it.
Takeshi and Kiyoshi would say they don't want to see their comrades wounded any further.
Shin: Uh, the ones wounded the most here are Takeshi and Kiyoshiii!!
Kagura: Okay, we will give the Evil King's corpse to the hero along with the sword, and the hero's corpse to the Evil King and then all will be solved, yes?
Gin: ...There's just one problem.
Which one was the hero's sword
and which one was the evil king's sword again?

Page 13:
Hero: How many times must I say it, you bastaaards?!!
Are you trying to make a mockery of me?!!
We're not lining up one in front of another, we're lining up horizontally when we move!!
Handwritten: Like this!!
Hero: And when you're counting your comrades, don't use the counter for people, use the counter for small animals, got it?!!
T/N: This joke doesn't really translate, but Japanese uses counting words to indicate numbers of things. It's different for people and animals. The dialog box uses the one for small animals, or enemy monsters in an RPG.
Box: One Hero appeared.
One Magician appeared.
One Warrior appeared.
Woman: He's been like that ever since he equipped that legendary sword...
He's completely different from before. He's become belligerent, he's referring to himself with "wagahai" and he's been saying he's 100,018 years old and things like that.
Woman: Even his breath is sort of sweet. And sometimes he releases freezing waves.
Before, when we were in the forest... I saw a monster speaking to him in polite, formal speech.
T/N: "Wagahai" is an arrogant antiquated first-person pronoun that evil kings use. Enemies in most RPGs stand horizontally while the heroes line up one after another. These are all things enemies do in RPGs. The Sweet Breath thing seems to be an attack from FFXI.
King: How many times do I need to say it before you get it, you guys?!!
We're not standing horizontally, we're standing one in front of the other!!
From now on, no matter how many comrades we have, we walk in an orderly single-file line. Anyone who disrupts the line has to go to the carriage!!
Handwritten: HAHHAHHAH! Just kidding!!
King: Also, don't forget to save frequently and to use medicinal herbs if you take any a damage!!
SFX: ZOROZORO
Cyclops: Ever since he got that sword, all kinds 'a things have changed.
Our dark lord has become very gentle, like he's a whole different person.
Lately, he's been referring to use as a "party", he's been opening drawers in people's houses without permission,
and earlier... a Slime talked to him with casual speech.
T/N: Slimes are minor enemies in the Dragonquest series. Also he's acting like an RPG hero character/player.
Shin: You totally switched the freakin' swoooords!!
Because the hero's using the evil sword and the evil king's using the
holy sword, they've started to turn into an evil king and hero respectively!!
We've got to get them back to normal, fast!!
Kagura: Does it really matter? Heroes and Evil Kings are very similar things.
Gin: Humans just go as far as they can go. It's like people get to be an old grandpa or an old granny you end up not knowing if they're a man or a woman anymore.
Shin: It is nothing like that!!

Page 14:
Shin: Anyhow, let's just get the swords back to their original owners. Then everything should be back to normal.
Gin: I don't really mind... but let me just say one thing.
Takeshi and Kiyoshi.
Which one was Takeshi, which one was Kiyoshi, and which one was who's ally, again?
Takeshi: Hey, hero.
SFX: NURIH
Guy: You, go into the carriage.
You've clearly forgotten your hero's duty to defeat the Evil King, and you therefore do not deserve to lead this party. Get lost.

Woman: Great Hero Kiyoshi-samaaa!!
SFX: KYAAAAA
Kiyoshi: I am no hero.
I am a dirty marionette that was manipulated by the Evil King after he defeated me and did not allow me to die.
I'm nothing but a Rotting Kiyoshi.
But due to the power of the Holy Sword, I was reborn. And now I understand.
I understand what is truly dirty and what is truly rotting.
Evil King!! It is your heart!!
Await my arrival! When this sword is done being tempered, you will be the one to become a corpse!!
Guy: What is wrong, Tiramisu?
King: It's nothing.....
Guy: Hmph. Is one of your old wounds bothering you?

Page 15:
Guy: It is the same for me.
The curse within me... This sword of destruction...
SFX: KATA KATA
Takeshi: Him.
The one that wouldn't pay the church fee and left me to die.
They cry to me
to kill that hero.
The final battle draws near. Do not forget to tend to your weapon as well.
King: Yes, Great Evil King Takeshi-sama!!
Both: Hello, we're back.
Shin: WHO ARE YOOOOOOOOOOU?!!
SFX: ZAH
Shin: Why are the swords walking around on their own and coming to the blacksmith?!
Why are the hero and the evil king being supplanted by their own swords?!
Some really messed up things got revived thanks to those legendary swords, Gin-san!
Gin: So... which is Takeshi and which is Kiyoshi?
Shin: Does it even matter anymore?!!
Anyhow, we have to do something about the holy sword and the evil blade, or they'll become the spark for a new battle between the Great Hero and the Great Evil King...
Gin: Hey, you guys've gotten a lot bigger since we last saw ya.
Kagura: That one is a little longer.
That is not fair, yes?
Shin: EEEEEEEEH?!
SFX: GOU

Page 16:
Gin: No good. Now this one's bigger.
Shin: Hey... Hold on, Gin-san!
Kagura: Now this one has become the bigger one.
Shin: Th... That's the Great Evil...
SFX: GAAN GYAAAAA DOGOOO GYAAAAA
Both: So this is a legendary beam saber?
Shin: We're back to where we starteeeed?!
Are you guys not satisfied until the blades are gone every time?!!
Gin: I told you, didn't I? A blacksmith just strikes the iron in front of him with all his might. That's it.
Shin: I just realized you guys are totally not cut out to be blacksmiiiiths!!
Tetsuko: No.
SFX: KUSU KUSU (Hehe)
Tetsuko: Surprisingly, I think they might actually be cut out for it.
Shin: Tetsuko-san?!
Tetsu: Thanks for looking after the shop for so long.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find that phantasmal metal,
but because I was out looking for it I was able to find some even better iron.
Incredibly light swords that will never rust that is harder than diamond.
Swords forged not for war, but for preventing war from ever occurring.
These swords were born from the hearts of all those that wish for peace.
Unmistakably legendary swords.

Page 17:
Tetsuko: We'll just hand them over to them.
I'm sure everyone's thoughts will get through.
I am certain
that their strife will be settled.
King: This is not the time to be fighting.
Hero: Yes... There is something much more important for us to do.
Everyone, a change of tactics.
Both the hero's party and the evil king's army will work together in "some intense claiming of reparations for damages".
SFX: GYAAAAA
SFX: WAAAA
Tetsuko: Though I can't say anything
about that war.
Insert: The Yorozuya has fled...
Bottom: Gintama
...Lesson 497
/ End